Have a Happy Period! =D
WARNING: This rant is not for the squeamish, or the males, or the squeamish males. It is all about periods and menstruation, written by a period-suffering female. It may also contain sexist or feminist comments that the author would not normally make. The author accepts absoultely no complaints, negative feedback or trauma that comes from this rant, especially if it comes from a fucking bloke, because now is not the fucking time, alright?
CUT, to spare your innocent eyes.
For one moment, let’s pretend there’s a god, because frankly, we need a scapegoat.
God: Hallo, I’m God.
Women of the World: Wow, you’ve really bollocksed us up, haven’t you?
God: I’m so-
Women of the World: *PUNCH GOD IN THE FACE*
Women are the ones who have to get pregnant and give birth. Women have to grow breasts. Women have to wear bras. During puberty, women have to endure all sorts of snide comments in PE. Women have to be viewed as sex objects or freaks of nature. Women may be more intelligent or even stronger - they may also not - but they are still incapable of a) dealing with spiders, b) changing a lightbulb or c) having a bath for 3 days a month.
Know why?
The Crimson Tide. Sounds like a Steven King or Jeffrey Deaver novel, doesn’t it? Well, if it did, the blurb might go something along the lines of
“Fiesti Herowyn has it all - the perfect hardhitting crimefighting job, the perfect sharptalking boyfriend, the perfect life. But something is stirring in the shadows of Fiesti’s womb. And once the Crimson Tide strikes - she can forget wearing those nice white knickers.”
Periods. They hurt like fuck, over 70% of women who get them don’t want children at that time, so why do we need them? So that the men can have something else to feel superior about? No, I’ll tell you why we have them. Because women need to bitch.
It’s an established fact. Leave two women alone for long enough and eventually one of them will start to bitch or whine. It’s centuries of oppression inbuilt, combined with the everyday toils of human life, that gives us this need to complain. But whenever a man tries to join in, we don’t necessarily want to talk about it. Again, the mistrust of centuries. So what do we do? We pick a subject they can’t relate to - possibly even feel slightly guilty for being unable to relate to - and don’t want to.
But hell, how they hurt. And the worst thing is that it never stops. There’s PRE menstrual tension, POST menstrual tension, and just plain old DURING menstrual tension. And you can’t postpone it and say ‘Oh, I’m in a play this week, can I have it on Saturday?’ Nope, sorry Madam, your white costume will have to go slightly red at the back. (This happened to me once. It also happened with a pair of jeans. In public.) If your lunar cycle is uneven, you can never tell when it’s going to start, and therefore are often walking around with sticky red knickers that will need a thorough wash and disinfectant by HAND, and, worse, sticky red thighs. In PE. Not nice.
And then there’s the choice of things to do about it. Pads or tampons? Oh, so difficult to choose… shall I go for the large obstructive one that rubs against my genitals, causing a constant sense of irritation, itching, and pain, whilst being obvious through the trousers, or the little stick of cotton wool to shove up my fanny?
I hate that word, fanny. I much prefer cunt, but everyone else hates it. What is the proper thing to use these days? Vagina sounds so bloody clinical, and pussy’s just disgusting. Why am I even discussing this?
And the smell! Don’t even get me started on the smell! Just suffice to say I’m not meant to have a sense of smell and just ICK ICK UGH.
And the MEN DON’T HAVE TO HAVE IT. This is the worst thing about it. Men cannot even begin to think about - to concieve how bad this is. I once discussed it with someone who said “Ah, but men get inappropriate erections, and at least girls can hide periods.” Believe me, other girls do notice you’re on, so we get the flack from our own gender, and no girl’s going to be looking at your crotch anyway. If they did, they wouldn’t notice. Honest.
And they heighten your emotions, leaving you even more frustrated and angry and emotional than normal. When you’re a hormonal teenager, that’s a very bad thing. And you can’t go around saying “I’m sorry for screaming, I’m on my period.”
EVEN God hates periods. He thinks they’re unclean. According to the bible, you must not touch a women whilst she’s on. “But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not … come near to a menstruous woman…..”
So if even the bloody Creator disowns them, how is it fair that we can’t?
God: Ow! I dink you bwoke by dose!
Women of the World: Ha! You ethereal bastard!
God: What did I ever hypothetically do to you?
Women of the World: Oh, I dunno, little something to do with menstruation?
God: …eh?
Women of the World: Periods!
God: EWWWWI’MNOTLISTENINGGIRLSTUFFEWWWFINGERSINEARSEWWWEWWEWW!
Satan?
Satan: Don’t look at me!
And these bloody ridiculous patronising sanitary towel packets. ‘Always’ not only have interesting and FUN FACTS for you to read whilst you’re sellotaping more bits of tissue to your knickers, such as “During your period, you are more beautiful!” and “Chocolate is good whilst you’re on your period because it releases endorphins!”, but now they have hit rock bottom.
My pads now say “Have a happy period!” They even provide a French translation. “Bonne et hereuse semaine!”
What the shit. I bet their advertising person is a man.
Their WEBSITE, however,is even better. This allows me, should I so wish, to send an e-card to my friends wishing them a happy period too! But this… this really just takes the biscuit. Empowering, they call it.
You see what I mean when I say that it is not easy being a woman. As I speak, more bloody eggs that I don’t intend to use are preparing to shed more blood. That’s the grossest thing.
“Why are you so crabby today?” Er, hello, my vagina is fucking bleeding? If a bloke’s penis started bleeding, he’d be down the hospital like a shot, whinging and crying in a manly fashion. Women? Oh, yes, let their groins drip blood everywhere, as long as they’re quiet about it.
“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” - Mr Garrison, South Park.
I can totally see where he’s coming from. No other animals do it, you know, they just menstruate without the periods. Brilliant idea.
I think I’ll be a zebra.
FUCK. PERIODS.
Abs x
That website is disturbing. Definitely thought up by a man. You know, like when they think they’re being so clever by identifying with the target market. Like when in English you have to over-exaggerate talking like a teenager to get the marks. It is also quite insulting. Just because I am a girl, and on my period, this does not mean that I want to go shopping. Especially because if you curl up in a ball on the floor in the middle of the Brunel centre, people look at you funny.
I was sad that they got rid of the fun facts. Mine now just have random squiggles, which isn’t the same. Plus, they actually said “your oestrogen levels are higher during the middle of your cycel, so you’re more likely to feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” And now everytime I hear the word “ovulation” I imagine myself as a squirrel.
And they don’t pretend that you’re more beautiful during your period, they basically admit that you look rubbish but, hey, won’t motherhood be lovely? Um, no.
Also, you have to somehow work in going to the loo every hour or whatever. And then they decide to lock the school toilets! Are they trying to kill us? Or, you know, reduce us to tears in the middle of the languages corridor between biology and german?
I do not feel feminine and mothering and empowered. I feel gunky and grumpy and greasy.
The “Have a Happy Period” tip of the day is “enjoy a bubble bath. Don’t forget candles, music…blah blah blah”.
Definitely thought up by a man. Well, “thought” being an exaggeration.
It’s rants like this that make me love my penis even more.
*hugs his penis*
I’m mildly offended by this. Sorry.
*I wrote a counter-rant about how insignificant periods are when you compare them to everything else that is wrong with the world, and how you cannot possibly compare a period to what may be a STI, but I figured you’d just get all angry and uber-feminist and neither of us want that, do we? So I deleted it.*
Again, sorry.
I won’t get uber-feminist. It’s your blog, you can rant if you want to.
All I will do is point you to the warning at the top. I clearly stated it was going to contain views that I might not usually hold, and offensive content, and cut it so that it wasn’t necessary for people to read.
At any rate, periods hurt, and that was the reason for this blog.
Abs xxx
“Satan: Don’t look at me!”
You have a direct line?
I have to go through those automated menus.
Nice entry by the way - I’m betting your index and middle fingers are nearly equal in length.
Ever tried Indian Brandee?
loup
Hmm first of all, im not offended (spealking as a guy) and BELIEVE me, ive heard worse…
secondly…..
“satan Don’t look at me” as Loup pointed out…you have a hot line? how could you not have told me?!?!
thirdly, do recall that while god is etheral and non-existant, karma may well be more influential as there are some advantages to belonging to the fairer sex…. try to recall
1: Women have an excuse to vent, bitch, slap, bitchslap, fallout-and-makeup-with-on-the-same-day bitch again, slap somemore
with NO social consequences by uttering those threee letters….PMT not quite making up for it granted but when combined with
.
.
2: multiple orgasms, a girl thing, minimal competitions, almost makes it worth it
all in all things tend to balance out, oh and seriously
that Hot-line number please? i want a word with him (^_^) got a campaign to plan, ohhh and how much he got ol’ tony’s soul for….
stu.X
Hope I can have a nice blog like yours with so many visitors everyday.